2005-09-07
11:36 a.m.

I hold the considered opinion that you are an “Em-Effer,” though sharing this opinion in this public forum in no way constitutes actual knowledge of any inappropriate relationship you may have had at anytime in the past, currently have, or would like to have in the future with your mother, nor does it indicate any intent on the part of me, Eunice L. Keller, to impart to any reader under any circumstances any reasonable inference of actual knowledge of incest and is expressly intended as an utterance formed and written in the heat of the moment and without malice aforethought which was inflamed by my extreme anger toward you and my strong negative emotional reaction to the sight of your face or the thought of the sight of your face or any discussion of the sight of your face or any belief, however remote, that the sight of your face will be forthcoming.

I, Eunice L. Keller, do blame you, Kim, entirely for the situation in which I currently find myself and on advice of my psychological counselor and over the numerous and well presented objections of my legal counselor, wish to communicate to you the extent to which you have hurt my feelings and caused me great emotional distress resulting in a reduction in quality of life for me and my loved ones as part of my therapeutic and wholly appropriate treatment regardless of the damage the publication of this document may do to my existing or future civil claims against you, your assigns, your heirs, or your estate through this letter which is to be published as part of an ongoing therapeutic tool under the title “I Spit on the Ground When Kim is Around” at the website http://whyihateyou.diaryland.com TM © all rights reserved.

As I am no longer able to endure direct sunlight as a result of your extreme negligence at our encounter of Monday, July 4, 2005, I am no longer able to enjoy my favorite recreational activities such as roller blading and picnicking which has caused me to suffer severe depression and other psychological conditions that cause me to remove my clothing in non-clothing optional venues and put my congenitally deformed right hand on my vaginal orifice as my only known means of calming myself down, an involuntary action taken entirely without my conscious thought or ability to control and for which mens rea cannot be established.

As stated in my complaint, I find myself in these loathsome circumstances as a direct result of your extreme negligence, Kim, and wish to recount my version of the events of Monday, July 4, 2005 here in substantially the same language used in my court documents as a therapeutic tool recommended by my licensed and bonded psycho-therapist to facilitate my recovery.

1) I, Eunice L. Keller, (hereinafter “Eunice”) received an invitation to the apartment you share with Bevin, your lesbian lover, at XXX Mxxxxxxx Ave. in Jersey City, New Jersey, for a bar-b-que cookout in honor of Independence Day.

2) Upon arrival at your apartment I instantly became jealous of your hair on account of the fact that it can stand up straight on its own and does not move in a strong breeze, features I find to be irresistibly beautiful because of their uniqueness.

3) Subsequently I wrestled you to the ground and attempted to sit on your hair for purposes of urinating on your hair to mark your hair as mine through the discreet pheromones I secrete on account of my congenital deformities and maladies, a condition of which you were aware prior to issuing me an invitation to your bar-b-que and had experienced many times before.

4) I fought hard to void my bladder on your hair, but as this was not the first time I had involuntarily attempted to possess your magical non-moving hair through phermonic demarkation you had numerous, approximately seven (7) to nine (9), tough-girl friends behind which you were able to hide and who were able to successfully protect you from any damage I may have involuntarily sought to inflict upon you or your property.

5) You then offered to teach me how to make my hair impervious to the wind, but only on the condition that I refrain from trying to urinate on you or otherwise mark you. I accepted this condition and the bargain was struck.

6) You took me into the bathroom of your apartment in Jersey City and produced a three foot tall can of hair spray and sat me down on the toilet and began instruction in hair styling

7) Upon completion of my new style you held a hand mirror up in front of me so that I could see the substandard work you had done on what I had hoped would be my new look, but which, in fact, changed my appearance in such a way that I had an instantaneous and involuntary negative reaction causing me to string together previously unheard vulgarities and raise my voice in objection, a right I have that is protected under the First Amendment of the Constitution of the United States.

8) You attempted to blame my circus freak appearance on the congenital deformity with which I have struggled since my first molting, namely that I have more feathers than hair, and that it doesn’t style the same way as those with full heads of hair and no feathers, but these remarks were made with intent to inflame and hurt and enrage me and there is no basis for belief that they constituted an actual excuse for your substandard work.

9) Such actions provided me with direct cause to protect my fragile and delicate emotional state with violent actions that were for self protection only and not a deliberate attempt to inject you with the unusual substance produced by the unique glands found in my congenitally deformed right hand which effect is wholly unknown to me.

10) At which time you did decidedly over react and with all the strength you could muster did smash the hand mirror still in your hand over my head with such ferocity so as to cause significant structural/orthopedic, neurological, and psychological damage.

11) Such damage did result in symptoms including but not limited to headaches, pain in the shoulders, pain between the shoulder blades, pain in both arms simultaneously and intermittently, fatigue, dizziness, vision problems, tinnitus (ringing in the ears), poor concentration, poor memory, neck pain, neck stiffness, tight muscles, sore muscles, tender muscles, low back pain, sleep disturbance, loss of consortium, loss of motion in the neck, and psychological and emotional distress.

12) Additionally this beating at your hands and which was provoked by your substandard work on my hair resulted in my head being forced beyond my normal range of motion to my right and my feathers which you had negligently coated in excessive and unnecessary amounts of hairspray came too close to a lit candle on the bathroom counter which caused them to burst into flame and which flame did spread rapidly to engulf my entire head, fueled by the hairspray you negligently applied in negligently excessive quantities.

13) This fire resulted in symptoms including but not limited to 3rd degree burns about my head and neck, extensive scarring, permanent loss of hair/crown feathers, extreme pain to all exposed skin, permanent nerve damage, loss of consortium, and psychological and emotional distress.

It is for these reasons that I, Eunice L. Keller, blame you, Kim, for my very sad state in life and my great misfortune. I intend to pursue every remedy available to me by law and even though I may become heated and angry when considering the vast injuries I have sustained as a direct result of your negligent actions, it is never my actual intent to cause any physical harm to you or to your hair or to your vagina and any comments I have made, or may make in the future, to the contrary are mere hyperbole and intended to be interpreted by the listener as such.

And that is why I, Eunice, hate you, Kim, so very much.

Very Truly Yours,

Eunice L. Keller

DICTATED BUT NOT READ
ELK/btb

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