2002-02-27
4:10 p.m.

I hate you because of your gas problem. That's why I hate you, SLUT-PIG!

Do you remember when you did it? I do. Let me refresh your memory. I came to you with that problem. That very personal problem and I asked for your help because I thought you were my friend, but you're not! You're just like all the other girls. You're not my friend, you're my NEMESIS! But I didn't know that then. I didn't know that.

So I told you my problem, and you said, "Oh, well sure. They have special stuff at the drug store for that. Let's go look." It was very friendly. I still thought you were my friend, and I loved you like a friend, and I would have done anything for you and I never would have hurt you. Never. Not even for a million, trillion, kazillion, barillion, pictillion, wankerillion dollars. That's how much I loved you and how much I wanted to protect you.

So we went to the drug store and I was crying and I was embarassed because of my great big problem. You showed me right where to get the right medication and you showed me how to use the little comb to get all the eggs and you helped me. I didn't want to go up to the checkout line all by myself because I was embarassed so you said you would stand with me while I paid.

So I'm standing in line with you, remember? I'm standing in line and right when it was my turn, right when I got to the front of the line, and I passed my box of lice treatment over to the hot guy behind the counter and I started to blush, right then you let out the most toxic silent fart ever farted. And then, you fucking piece of shit, you excused yourself and left me there in an orange colored cloud of your fart buying mother fucking Rid all by myself!

And the cutie behind the counter, he was making this face like, "OH, DEAR GOD IN HEAVEN WITH A POGO STICK UP HIS ASS! HOW COULD THAT SMELL HAVE COME OUT OF JUST ONE PERSON? IT IS THE SMELL OF SIX TRUCKERS FARTING SIMULTANEOUSLY!" And he was making that face at me but it wasn't even my fault. And then he looked at what I was buying and he announced it to everyone behind me in line. "Step back a little. It looks like this one has lice."

So the people behind me in line, they took a collective step back, which they were very happy to do because of the awful stench. And the cutie behind the counter threw my change at me and a quarter went into my mouth and I swallowed it before I could stop myself and it scratched all the way down my throat. And for the next week I had to search my poo for a quarter. AND IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT YOU COCKSUCKING BITCH!

But I don't want revenge or anything. I already have my revenge in point of fact. Do you know what, Emma? Those weren't head lice. No. They were CRABS and I got them from YOUR FIANCE THREE WEEKS EARLIER AND HE WAS A LOUSY FUCK AND HE GAVE ME CRABS!

So we're even.

Oh, that reminds me. I was talking with the other brides maids and we were thinking of having the shower at your mother's place on June 18. Is that a good date for you?

Big hug to the kids, you FUCKING BITCH!

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