2002-07-30
11:46 a.m.

I just wanted you to know that I HATE YOU SO FUCKING MUCH THAT IF YOU TOOK A BUNCH OF COPPER GODDAMN WIRE AND WRAPPED IT AROUND ME REALLY REALLY TIGHTLY AND THEN SHOWED ME YOUR PICTURE SO THAT I STARTED TO FOCUS MY HATING ENGERGY ON YOU THEN MY KEYS WOULD STICK TO ME AND SO WOULD THE FORKS IN THE DRAWER. That's right SHEEP-COCK-BREATH! I hate you so much I go all MAGNETIC!

What do you think of that, huh? What do you think about that? I bet you're thinking about that right now and it's hurting your feelings, isn't it? I bet it is. And I bet you can't stop thinking about how much I HATE you and how that hate makes me stick to car doors! I bet that's runnigng through your mind right fucking now!

GOD, I HATE YOU! I was only trapped in that mine for 77 hours, but that was PLENTY OF TIME FOR YOU TO RUIN MY LIFE AND I HATE YOU SO MUCH FOR IT, YOU PIECE OF CORN ENCRUSTED SHIT! In fact, you know what you are? Do you know? I'll tell you. You're one of those pig assholes that Oscar Meyer grinds up to make bologna. That's what you are, you pigs asshole. You're a pig's asshole in a Christy suit and I'm going to EXPOSE YOU, PUSSY LICKER!

I hadn't been working in the mines too long. That's why they had me reading the map. How was I supposed to know that drilling so close to that old mine would flood our cavern and trap us for 77 fucking hours? I thought it would make it easier because all the work had already been done on that old mine. It had already been done.

Well, when it started to get really cold and it started to look like we weren't gonna make it, I started offering myself to the guys, you know for warmth. Everybody knows, ain't nobody can fuck like a coal miner, and that's the fucking truth. Anyway, I was only doing it to save their lives, NOT FOR MONEY, just to save their lives.

But meanwhile, while I was passing my cooter around in the dark, you were up top talking to the media. And I guess it was just too much for you to tell you parents about our love, so you told the fucking reporters that I WAS A MAN!

I AM NOT A MAN AND YOU ARE A CUNT LICKER! I AM A WOMAN AND YOU ARE A CUNT LICKER!

So, they get us out after our horrible ordeal and they take us to the hospital and the doctors all think I am a man and I say I'm a girl and they giggle and say I'm suffering from the hypothermia and I say but I have a pussy and they say get HIM some more blankets and I say but I gave my cooter to all the guys in the mine to save their lives and they say let's get HIM to the psycho ward for observation.

So now I'm stuck in this GODDAMN RUBBER ROOM, YOU PUSSY LICKER AND YOU VISITED ME AND TOLD ME ALL MY STUFF WAS OUT ON THE LAWN AND I BETTER TELL THEM I'M A MAN OR THEY AIN'T NEVER GONNA LET ME OUT OF THE BOOBY HATCH EVER AGAIN AND I'LL GET RAPED BY THE ORDERLIES AND THEY WILL STEAL THE FRUIT FROM MY LUNCH TRAY EVERY DAY! EVERY GODDAMNED DAY!!!!

So, now I have to live out the rest of my life as Eunice The Man or they'll come and get me and lock me up and the only thing I have in my whole life that makes me happy is a piece of fruit with my lunch so I better play along or the orderlie rapists will take that one simple joy from me, AND IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!

OUR LOVE WAS REAL PUSSY LICKER! IT WAS REAL!

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