2002-02-19
12:35 a.m.

I hate you because of your perfect breasts. I see you walk into a room and I seethe with envy. I hate that you have that power over me.

I remember that time a few months ago when you and I were at the same party and we were wearing the exact same thing. I didn't hate you then. I didn't hate you yet. I went up to you and I made a joke about us wearing the same leopard print halter to the same function. I WAS TRYING TO BE NICE ABOUT IT, YOU FUCKING WHORE!

"I can't believe we both shop at the Dress Barn," I said. "I got mine on the clearance rack last week!"

And you said, "Maybe, but mine's on the only rack worth mentioning in the whole room." Then you tweeked my left nip and (air quotes) accidentally (end of air quotes) spilled your Campari on me. I spent the rest of the night crying in the bathroom and when I finally left the party I saw you letting your co-workers lap rum off of your cleavage and you made a disparaging remark about the maskara running down my face.

But I didn't hate you yet. I gave you the benefit of the doubt, becasue I'M A FUCKING CHRISTIAN AND THAT'S WHAT JESUS WOULD HAVE DONE YOU BACKSTABBING ANAL WART! I DID JUST WHAT JESUS WOULD HAVE DONE!

Then the next time I saw you out was Mardi Gras, and you were on that balconly flashing that perfect set to any cop who walked by. And then you came down and you let them touch your boobs and they gave you the beeds.

And I stood across the street and I flashed one of the same cops and he took one look at my chest and told me to hide my udder and keep it covered or he'd arrest me and throw me in a holding cell with a biker chick who would rape me with my own stilletto. So I spat at him and he put me in the cuffs, and you do not know pain until you have been raped with a shoe, and you did that to me.

But still I did not hate you because the Lord told me not to hate in his word. It says that right in the WORD OF GOD, YOU GODDAMN BITCH.

But I do hate you now. I HATE YOU NOW! Do you want to know why, Colleen? Do you want to know why?

I'll tell you why. I hate you because I saw you at my trial. When I saw you there, you were holding hands with my ex husband and you told me you'd pray for me and then you squeezed your right boob at me.

I DON'T NEED YOUR FUCKING PRAYERS YOU FAGGOT-CUNT! YOU'RE NOT EVEN A CHRISTIAN LIKE ME! YOU'RE GOING TO HELL BECAUSE YOU'RE A SINNER AND I HATE SINNERS LIKE YOU! I'M GOING TO HEAVEN, NOT YOU! DON'T YOU EVER, EVER, EVER PRAY FOR ME BECAUSE I DON'T NEED IT! YOU NEED IT YOU FUCKING SINNER!

Bitch.

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