2002-06-05
1:09 a.m.

Do you know how much I hate you? Do you? DO YOU? Well, I'm going to tell you right now. I hate you as much as FUCKING FROGGER HATES ALIGATORS! NO, I HATE YOU MORE THAN THAT, I HATE YOU AS MUCH AS MR. T HATES TO FLY!!! I HATE YOU THAT FUCKING MUCH!

God I hate you.

But I didn't always hate you. No, I used to love you. Maybe it was from afar, but it was love all the same. We lived next door to each other and I would look out my window and I could see into yours and your family was poor so they couldn't afford blinds or drapes or nothing so I could see right in. And we were 12 or 13 I guess and you had that life size cutout of Tootie from the Facts of Life and you would look at her and touch yourself and sing "you take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there you have the facts of life, the facts of life!" over and over again until you were done, and it was so romantic.

And then one time you caught me watching you during your "Tootie Time" as I liked to call it and you opened your window and said, "Hey Flipper Girl. What you staring at? You like what you see? You like that?"

And I was all nervous and shit, so I said, "No, I just like Tootie."

And you said, "If I ever catch you fucking looking in my room again, I'll come over there and make you eat a pair of your daddy's underpants and you will choke them down and then get a bowel obstruction and you'll have to tell the nurse at the emergency room that you ate your daddy's panties and then they'll have to cut you open to get them out and you'll probably die on the operating table so then you'll burn in hell like the SHITHEAD YOU ARE!"

And I said, "I ain't got no DADDY, mother fucker! He ran off with my older sister and now when he comes over for the supervised visitation he makes me call my sister mommy. So my real mommy, not my sister-mommy, my real mommy says I ain't got no daddy!" And then I slammed the window down and ran into the bathroom to drink Scope and get a buzz.

And after my third capful of Scope, that's when I knew I loved you. I loved you, pig-fucker! I loved the fucking piss out of you and it was REAL, MY GOD MY LOVE FOR YOU WAS SO MOTHER FUCKING REAL AND YOU TREATED ME LIKE A SCAB ON YOUR ASS!!!

So then, I didn't see you for about a month because I was afraid to look out the window because maybe if I saw you with Tootie again I'd get jealous and then I'd get FUCKING ANGRY and I'd burn your house down and piss my pants with joy that Tootie got burned up in a fire! But I knew you might be in the house and I didn't want you to get any burn scars because you are beautiful and I loved you and I didn't think I could love a burn victim.

But one afternoon I came home from school and I came into my bedroom and you were hiding behind the door and you grabbed me and put your hand over my mouth and your eyes were all wild and you closed the door and told me if I got too loud you'd cut me. And then you said, "You ain't got no daddy, huh? Well, I'm your daddy now, bitch!" and you took off your pants.

And I ain't never seen a boy up close and so I said, "do all boys look like that?"

And you got all mad and shit and said, "You making fun of me because I got an undescended testicle? You think that's funny, bitch? You're one to talk you THREE-TITTIED, FLIPPER-HANDED, NINE-TOED FREAK!" And then you jumped on me and were inside me and I liked it alot.

"Oh, Dan!" I said.

And you hit me hard across the face and said, "Call me Donkey Kong, bitch! I'm your bad ass monkey lover!" and when you hit me, my glass eye popped out and was laying on the pillow next to me and it was staring up at you.

So you popped my glass eye into your mouth and then you grabbed my head with your hands and held me still and said, "And I'm gonna call you Tootie!"

And then you put your penis in my eye socket and rolled my eye around on your tongue and started screaming "Oh, Tootie! Oh, Tootie!"

And I said, "Oh, Kong! Fuck my eye, Donkey Kong!"

And then when you were done, you spat my eye back into the socket and disappeared.

And in the morning when I woke up, your jism had hardened around my eye and to this very day, mother fucker, I can't move my glass eye! So thanks to you, not only do I not have stereoscopic vision, BUT NOW I HAVE A FUCKING LAZY EYE!

A FUCKING LAZY GLASS EYE! YOU DID THAT TO ME AND I FUCKING HATE YOU FOR IT SO FUCKING MUCH!

You were a hot lover though.

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