2003-04-23
2:24 p.m.

Dear Griffin,

You fucking KNOW I FUCKING HATE YOU, MOTHER FUCKER! You fucking KNOW it, ok? I hate you so much the hate drips out of my fucking eye sockets and rolls down my cheeks and then DRIPS ON MY DRESS AND THEN FUCKING STAINS MY PRETTY DRESS WITH HATE JUICE AND YOU CAN'T GET THAT OUT, MOTHER FUCKER! THAT SHIT DON'T EVER COME OUT, SO NOW I HAVE TO RUN AROUND LIKE A FUCKING FREAK WITH HATE JUICE STAINS ON MY SUN-DRESS AND NONE OF THE BOYS WILL TALK TO ME ANY MORE BECAUSE THEY'RE ALL LIKE, "LOOK AT THE FREAK WITH THE HATE JUICE STAINS ON HER SUN-DRESS" AND IT'S YOUR PUSSY LICKING FAULT, YOU ICE CREAM CONE DICK! Your fault. Your fault.

Is it any wonder I hate you so much? Is it any wonder? I mean, do you even know what you are, ASS-MUNCH? Do you have any idea what you are? You're a pube stuck in my teeth that won't come out, not even with floss, ASS-MAN!! And I floss every fucking day, as you well know, so if you won't come out even with floss, then it means you're a particularly nasty pube! God, you make me want to wretch in my bed and then roll around in my own sick and then let my dog lick it off my tits, all THREE of them, that's how fucking much I hate the fuck out of you. That's how fucking much, ASS-MOUTH.

I mean, all I wanted from you was friendship and love and you fucking took advantage of my girlish innocence, which, of course, made me hate you, but I also loved you and you knew that, didn't you, you BIG CUP OF ASS-MILK! You fucking knew I loved you but now I HATE YOU MORE THAN I HATE MEXICANS, AND THAT'S A WHOLE BIG PILE OF PUTRID HATE I CAN TELL YOU!!!! God I hate Mexicans.

I was so taken by you when you approached me that day and told me you'd been watching me and you just had to introduce yourself. I thought you were one of them nice boys you read about in fairy tales who just wanted–I don't know-wanted to cum in my mouth while I raped you with my flipper. A boy like I dream about. But that was not you. That was not you at all, was it, ASS-MENSES!

No, it wasn't. But you talked a good game and lured me back to your secret lab with promises of anal electrodes and custom designed clit pumps. You knew just what to say to a naive girl like me and I fell for your line of sexual torture bullshit hook line and sinker. I was just a girl who didn't know any better and you fucking took advantage of me and I think you're a fucking ASS-MOHICAN, YOU COCK SUCKER!

So once you had me back in your secret lab we made out a little and you told me to close my eyes and I told you I couldn't because one was glass but the good one ain't got no eye lid no more after the incident with the thresher at the boat show a few years back. So you put your hand over my good eye and pretty soon I felt extra hands on me and I thought it was a sexual mutilation orgy, but I found out soon enough it weren't when one of them hands stuck me with a needle and I started to feel groggy and before I was out I heard you say, "stand clear of the flipper. Even in her weakened state she can still deliver a lethal dose of venom."

So when I woke up I was naked, which was totally hot, and in a cage and you and a red headed fiend and a kid with furry ankles were installing flood lights over my cage and I wanted to know what you were doing, and if me being in a cage was another sex game and you told me that you and your boyfriends wanted a baby and I was going to give it to you and I told you I can't have no more babies ever since the bottlecap incident at the opera a few years back.

And you told me you'd been reading of my case in the literature and you'd found a way to make me fertile again and I didn't believe you, but I should have because anyone with eyes could see that you were a genius. So, I banged up against the bars of my cage and I slashed at you through the bars with my flipper and I unhinged my jaw so I could spit at you but I couldn't.

And that's when I knew you were total ASS-MOLASSES, YOU SON OF A GNU-COCK! That's when I knew. "As you can see, Eunice," you began in your smug tones, "I've injected you with a compound that suppresses the venom glands in your entire body. You can't spit at us, you can't even directly inject us with your flipper. Go ahead, Eunice. Try to milk a little venom out of the flipper. You'll see you've run dry. I can't have you poisoning us before we get our baby, now can I?"

So I sat down on the ground and I started flippering my pussy a little because it always calms me down and I asked, "What are you going to do with me, you ASS-MOLE!"

And you said, "Eunice, have you ever heard of forced molting?" I hadn't so you said, "it's a technique used in poultry farming that causes hens to lay eggs outside of their normal cycle, increasing their productivity. I'm going to force molt you, Eunice."

So I wanted to know what that meant and you said, "Well, for starters it means no food. Not for the next two weeks anyway. And do you see these lights, Eunice? For the next seven days, you'll be under these lights for sixteen hours and in total darkness for eight. Then the seven days after that you'll be in the light for eight hours and in total darkness for sixteen. By the end of the two week period, you will have shed your feathers and grown new down and if my calculations are correct, you'll have laid an egg which the three of us will fertilize. You'll need to tend it until it hatches, Eunice, and then, if you've been a good girl, we'll tranq you and set you free in the wild. Just give us what we want, Eunice, and you'll be fine."

So, you starved me and forced me to molt with the lights, you ASS-MOUFLON! And you tortured me and beat me and drugged me and I only tried to kill you and hurt you a little and right on schedule I laid our son, and that was my first time to lay an egg and it totally hurt when it came out, but it was so beautiful and it made you so happy and that boy with the furry ankles was jumping up and down he was so excited.

And then, and I can't even believe this, but then you tranqed me and took me out to a field and left me there and when I woke up, ASS-MUTT, I was all alone out in the wilderness and I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU COULD DO THAT TO ME!

You were the only family I ever knew, ASS-METRIS!!! WHY DID YOU STOP LOVING ME!!! WHY? Now I have to hate you.

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