2002-09-24
11:06 a.m.

I hope I never never never FUCKING LAY A PEEP HOLE ON YOU AGAIN, YOU SHIT EATING MONKEY FUCKER! Oh my God in Heaven with a white robe and a beard that don't have no food stuck in it because GOD AIN'T NO SLOB, MOTHER FUCKER. I don't know much BUT I FUCKING KNOW THAT GOD AIN'T A SLOB LIKE YOU SO YOU BETTER JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT IT, OK?

Damn.

You know what you are, Johnny-boy? You know what you are? You're a gazelle cunt licker. That's right. You eat out the vaginas of cloven hooved beasts. JUST LIKE THE DEVIL FROM WHOM YOUR MAGIC PSYCHIC POWERS FLOW, SHIT HEAD! I HATE YOU JUST LIKE I HATE ALL THINGS EVIL MOTHER FUCKER! Because God is good and cannot abide evil like you so just shut the fuck up.

And even though you're kinda cute, I AM A CHRISTIAN MOTHER FUCKER AND THE BIBLE SAYS I HAVE TO HATE YOU, SO I DO BECAUSE I'M NOT GONNA JEOPARDIZE MY CHANCE TO SEE MY HEAVENLY SAVIOR IN HEAVEN ON ACCOUNT OF AN EVIL FORTUNE TELLER OF SATAN NO MATTER HOW NICE YOU SMELL, COCK KISSER! NO MATTER HOW NICE YOU FUCKING SMELL!

Bevin was trying to be nice, I guess, when she took me to see you. "Come on, Eunice, let's get your cards read. See if you luck will turn around." So I fucking trusted her, but I shouldn't have, but I did.

And then we drove up to North Jersey and we went to your apartment and you opened the door and you were wearing your turban with sparkly shinies all in it and you had a table and it was real low and we had to kneel down at it and there was a crystal ball in the middle of it and there was incense and it made me sneeze and then you lit it and then it really made me sneeze. And you said to clear my mind, so I tried, but it's hard because I was really mad and full of hate at Bevin who was so beautiful, but also because I could smell you and it was getting me all hot and I was thinking about putting my flipper on your areola, but I shouldn't have been because it was time to clear my mind, and you were psychic, so you knew what I was thinking about and you curled your lip up a bit in revulsion and that turned me on even more and I started to get damp in my happy hole and I was just trying to do what you wanted, but I was bad at it because I ain't never even had my palm read before, ear fucker, and I didn't know what to do!

So you shuffled the cards and laid 'em out and then you scratched the deep cleft in your chin and then you said "hmmmm" like that. "Hmmm."

So Bevin said, "What do you see, John? What do you see?"

And you said, "It's a little unclear. Well, no, not unclear. Confusing really. I mean, see this? This is an indication of true love and happiness, an indication that it's very near in both space and time. But this, ominous looking card is a bringer of pain and suffering and heartbreak. The cards are almost contradictory.

"And see this? This usually indicates a change in fortune, often financially, but the change is brought to bear under this card which indicates the status quo, a continuation of current misfortunes. I've never seen the cards play out like this."

So I said, "Listen, fucker," and then I leaned in a little and took a deep whiff and that calmed me down a little, "I mean listen, John. Do them cards say I'm gonna get laid and get rich or not?"

And that's when you did it. You looked me in the eye and said, "Yes, Eunice. The cards say you'll find love and your finances will improve, but not without a significant amount of help from you. You're going to have to be very aware of your situation, or love and wealth will slip right by. Now, get your flipper out from underneath your skirt and listen to me, Eunice. Be aware. Be aware or you're in for more of the same."

YOU'RE A FUCKING LIAR, YOU SWEET SMELLING PILE OF SHIT! FUCKING LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR liar.

So me and Bevin was leaving your building, we got down to the street corner and I was still smelling your whatchacallits. Sex pheremones. And I was all tranced up and I stepped out in the street, but I didn't look where I was going, and this mother fucker in a brand new Jag comes screeching to a halt with his bumper just touching my leg. So I climb up on the hood and start scratching at the windshield with my flipper hand and screaming "YOU TRIED TO KILL ME YOU SON OF A BITCH! COME OUT OF THAT CAR RIGHT NOW YOU ARMANI SUIT WEARING PIECE OF CAMEL POOP!"

So this guy, he gets out of the car and he was all oh I'm so sorry, and fate is a funny thing and will you let me take you to dinner and I was all I'm gonna scratch your eyes out and fuck you and eat shit and die, so it was quite the scene.

So he gives me his card and says I can call him anytime and gets back in his car and drives off so I tear the card up and throw all the tiny little pieces into the sewer and then I spit into the sewer and raise my fist at the card bits.

And that sure ain't no change in fortune, you FUCKING LIAR! I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR MONTHS NOW AND AIN'T NO SEX AND NO MONEY COME MY WAY! FUCK YOU FOR RAISING THE HOPES OF A GOOD CHRISTIAN GIRL WITH YOUR EVIL MAGIC AND LIES!

All I ever wanted was a little good luck.

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