2002-06-25
5:12 p.m.

Fuck you, MOTHER FUCKER! Ooooooh I hate you so pussy licking much! Do you know how much hate I have for you? Do you? Well, if I took all the fibers of my hate and wove them into cloth and then took my hate cloth and used it to make a hijab and jilbab for the statute of liberty, who just happens to be the biggest woman IN THE WORLD, OSTRICH FUCKER, EVEN BIGGER THAN NEL CARTER I would still have enough hate remaining to slip cover the POPE'S CHAIR and he sits on a GREAT BIG THRONE, YOU HEAP OF ASS DRIPPINGS. Not a normal chair like the rest of us. No. He rests his ASS ON A THRONE!!!!!

And that is how much I hate you. And there are so many reasons to hate you. Like all those times you licked my phone receiver, even though you know I hate phone cooties and the time you left a gopher corpse under my pillow because you knew I had a hot date with Dan because you want me all for yourself.

But I hate you most because of what you did to me last week. I gave you a key to my loft so you could deliver Pal Mals from the Indian Smoke Shop, NOT so you could install web cams in my bathroom and bedroom and broadcast every poop I take to the subscribers of Eunicecam.com. THAT IS NOT WHY I DID IT, YOU FUNGAL COLONY OF FILTH! GOD, I HATE YOU SO MUCH!

But once I discovered the cameras I was cool with it, wasn't I? I was cool. I played along. I had that trapeeze installed above the toilet and walked around my house naked covered in egg yolks and I started waxing my back a little more. I did that for you! Because I wanted you to look at me and shit. Because you loved me.

So last week I was putting on a good show. I still had bed head, but I climbed up the trapeeze for my morning dump and I was swinging and eating an apple and I said, "bombs away!" and got my first shit right in the pot so I said, "you sunk my battleship!" and I took a bite of my apple, but I swallowed before I chewed it so it got stuck in my throat. So I started to gag and choke and I lost my balance and I fell off the trapeeze and I hit my head on the shitter and I blacked out.

And then I died, you yak-cock-sucker. I mother fuckin' died! And I started to float above my body which was laying in a pile of blood and shit under the trapeeze and I could see the light and I started to go to it, and I passed out of my apartment and I was above the whole world.

And I turned back to look at that fuck hole of a planet I was finally leaving behind and I could see Peth fucking her boyfriend's ass with her big toe and I could see Bevin, but it was Bevin of the future and she had a mullet, and I could see all the pussy lickers I HATE down below and they were all fucking miserable, and they were all still there and I felt warm and secure and peaceful for the first time in my WHOLE fucking life.

And then CAME YOU, YOU FIST FUCK! THEN CAME YOU!!!! I was floating above the earth and I saw you use your key to get into my loft and you ran over to me and opened your fanny pack and pulled out a pocket knife and bent over my dead body.

And I woke up with your pocket knife in my throat and you were taking the piece of apple out and saying "Just hang in there, Eunice. You're gonna be ok. Everything is going to be fine. Just a little more..."

And then I was breathing again, only out of my throat and I couldn't talk, and you held me and said, "I saved your life, Eunice, I saved you. Good thing I was watching the streaming video of your morning shit!"

And I HATED YOU WITH EVERYTHING I HAD, BUT I COULDN'T TELL YOU BECAUSE YOUR POCKET KNIFE WAS STILL IN MY THROAT. So I gurgled a little curse and passed out.

So I was just sitting around smoking Pal Mals out of the hole in my throat and thinking about how much I fucking hate you for saving my fucking life, you shit breath asshole! And then I saw you get a medal for saving my life on the news and I started cutting myself again and then I cut up pictures of you and glued them to the toilet paper and I wiped my ass on your face for the next week and broadcast it on the MOTHER FUCKING WEB, ASS LICKING CROTCH ROT!

MIND YOUR OWN FUCKING BUSINESS NEXT TIME WHY DON'T YA!

GOD!

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